Tag Archives: relationships

Time to refocus

1 Jan

Happy new year!

Here we are again. As I’ve said before, I’m not a fan of resolutions. But I know I’m not perfect, by any means, unlike Calvin:

calvin-and-hobbes-new-year

(I love that cartoon.)

So looking back at what I wanted to focus on in 2013 and setting the focus for 2014…

Physical health
I did get back to the gym on a regular basis. I certainly ran more. But then I broke my foot. I was in such great shape prior to that, and it’s been hard to get back into a regular routine with any sort of endurance. But this week has been good. So for 2014 I’ll keep working on going to the gym regularly, building endurance, and running more.

Food
My eating didn’t change much this year, although I somehow got a little sugar addiction lately. Boo on holiday food. So let’s refocus on that for 2014: more veggies!

Writing
My writing was definitely done in waves. I had stretches of lots of blog posts, and then nothing. (See: lack of posts in December.) So there’s the focus for 2014: more consistent blogging.

Dancing
Breaking my foot really made me appreciate dancing. Prior to that, I was going to more groups and practicing on my own. After I broke my foot, I practiced a lot because I was working on checking out. But since then, I’ve struggled to get into a routine. So after the holidays, it’s more group classes, more practicing on my own, and still appreciating it.

Creative hobbies
I stopped baking for a while in the last few months for various reason. I packed my grandma’s recipes, so I can’t go through those until after July. But I’ve baked more this week and will continue to do so. I did learn to crochet but didn’t practice, so now I need a refresher. I certainly knitted more this year and will continue to do so for 2014!

Relationships
No movement there. Meaning no action taken on my part to have anything happen. Stupid Mr Big still in my brain. But steps have been taken this week…more on that soon.

Money
I’ve made some progress towards my financial goals, although Christmas was not planned for as well as it should have been. Oops. So I’m going to take the first six months of 2014 and refocus on money.

Mental health
This year, I realized that my issues are like a chronic condition. I will always have them; I can only cope with the flare-ups. And I’ve done a better job of that lately. This will always be a focus for me though.

At the end of the day, I still strive for this:

peace

And hope to remember this:

light of your being

I hope 2014 is everything you want it to be. Happy new year!

Good/bad friend

4 Nov

I’m a bad friend.

I don’t call my friends and see them as much as I would like, especially the ones outside my immediate circle of good friends. SP, MK, LS, SH, DP, ND…I see and talk to them all the time. But others, I don’t contact them as much as I would like to. For example, my good friend SS was here this summer. She lives in Asia, and she came back to Minnesota in June. I kept meaning to call and see her since she was actually within 45 minutes of me and not literally halfway around the world. I never did, and she left last week to go back to Korea. That makes me sad – that I couldn’t get around to call her and get over my slight phone social anxiety to call. FAIL.

My roommate SR moved at the end of June. I have no idea what happened, but she stopped talking to me right after that. I considered her one of my really close friends, and all of the sudden she doesn’t talk to me anymore. I even sent a message to her saying, hey I noticed this, I miss you, I’d love to know what happened, and she never responded. And I didn’t get invited to the wedding either. So clearly I did something (although I honestly cannot tell you what that might even remotely be), so clearly I was a bad friend to her in some way. FAIL.

I have a few people from high school that I’ve reconnected with on Facebook. We have great Facebook conversations, and when I see them at a random social event, they say we should get together sometime. Then when I message them to set up a date, I never hear back. FAIL.

But on the other hand…

I have friends that say I’m a very important person to them. I had two friends last week go through some sort of crisis, and for both of them, I was able to be there and listen and share my experiences and perspective. Both said I was a huge help. WIN.

I have friends that I talk to on a regular basis, and they contact ME. It’s not always me driving the friendship. And that tells me that I mean a lot to them. WIN.

I’m very loyal to my friends. And they say that I’m an important part of their lives. WIN.

I give gifts, including awesome pumpkin hats I knit for babies which look so damn cute, if I do say so myself.

pumpkin-hat

I just have a hard time reconciling these things. Am I a good friend or a bad one? Am I both? How can I be both? I know I’ll probably never have an answer to this; it’s just been on my mind a lot.

If any of you have any ideas on this, I’d love to hear them!

I’m out of the pool

4 Mar

A while ago, I talked about jumping back into the dating pool. At least more proactively. I went back to online dating, just to see if I could find someone there worth meeting in person.

Short answer? No.

I think it’s me. I need that spark to date someone. And it’s hard to find that spark in an email. Very difficult. Plus I’m terrible at first dates.

But, having said that…guys online do not do themselves any favors. I mentioned this before, and apparently nothing has changed.

One guy opened a conversation with me this way: “Hey sexy princess, what’s happening?” Um, not the way to capture my attention.

“What’s up?” was another opener as was “Hi”. Dude, you have to give me something to respond to. Prove to me you’re a good conversationalist.

One guy was really good at asking questions, and we had a good conversation going. Nothing spectacular, nothing that made me want to meet him in person. But a good conversation especially compared to some of the other ones. But we never got to the point of actually meeting. It just kinda tapered out.

A lot of guys use far too many text shortcuts and emoticons. (Really? You’re in your 30s and you use “ROFL” in an email? Really??)

Most guys want kids, and I know I’m not doing that. I”m open to dating someone who already has them, but I’m not having them. And apparently many guys do not read a girl’s profile all the way through, because I know I was clear in my profile.

So I decided to stop the online thing. Out of courtesy, I messaged each of the guys I had a conversation going with and told them. To save anyone’s feelings, I told each of them that I was dating someone and therefore canceling my profile. One guy wrote me a very angry message back saying that I shouldn’t have wasted his time and I shouldn’t have let him know I was canceling my profile. Dodged a bullet there, huh?

So I’m back to enjoying the single life and leaving it up to fate and the universe. My path will cross someone’s if it’s meant to. Meanwhile, I’ll keep myself open to the possibility of it.

And if you want to follow some really great stories about online dating, check out my friend KG’s blog. They have great stories!

Time to refocus

1 Jan

I like New Year’s because it’s a chance to refocus. I don’t like resolutions…they sound like work and negative consequences and failure. I prefer to think of it more positively: let’s refocus our efforts as we start a new year.

calvin-and-hobbes-new-year

Unlike Calvin, I’m very aware I’m not perfect. But here are the main things I’d like to refocus on in 2013.

Physical health
I was doing very well for most of 2012, but December was kind of a bust. So, time to get back to the gym three times a week (like I was before). I’ll keep running and do more strength training. I want to continue and increase my morning yoga. It’s such a great way to start the day.

Food
It’s also time to get back to eating healthier, especially now that the holidays are over. (I don’t even want to think about the food I ate in December!) And expand the types of food I cook. Chicken and rice can only be made so many different ways.

Writing
Writing has become very important to me as has this blog. I’d like to write more often and build a consistent schedule of posts. (I’ve been doing well this week, haven’t I?)

Dancing
You know, this has become such an integral part of my life, and I sometimes take it for granted. I want to make it a more deliberate part of my life again, and I want to become a better dancer. I want to dance more – go to more group classes and more parties at the studio. I don’t always make a priority of the group classes, and they are really good and fun to go to. I also want to work on things on my own that I can do on my own, like Cuban motion exercises.

Creative hobbies
I’d like to bake more and try new recipes. Keep going with my grandma’s recipes and try those. I’d like to do more knitting – maybe try mittens – and maybe learn to crochet too.

Relationships
I think I need to take a more active part in dating too. Meaning actually trying to meet people.

Money
I think I have one final hurdle to overcome in terms of managing my money as well as I’d like too. So my goal this year is to tackle that hurdle. If I can do it, I’ll reward myself with some of the money I’ve saved.

Mental health
It’s going to be important to continue to work on avoiding the thinky place. I’ve made great progress, but I still have some work to do on it. I have a feeling this will always be something to work on for me.

***
I guess my ultimate goal is this:

peace

Thanks, Michelle, for the image! It sums up perfectly what I ultimately aim for. That, and to make the day better for people I meet each day.

Here’s hoping 2013 is all that we all want it to be. Cheers!

The downside of being single

24 Dec

A majority of the time, I’m happy being single. Having been in a relationship that turned out to be a not-so-happy relationship, I’d much rather be on my own than in a bad relationship. Or the wrong relationship.

(Totally makes me think of “Some Kind of Wonderful” which ps is a great movie. But the line is something like “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong reasons”.)

I’m a fairly independent person. Even when I need help, I’m not good at asking for it. Which is something I’m working on. I have a great life with super friends. So overall, I don’t mind that I’m single.

Except for the holidays. As much as I love the holidays, there is an expectation in society that you have a special someone to spend them with. But even that, I can deal with.

The downside of being single is the burden. I get tired of having to do everything. I have to pay all the bills, I have to do all the grocery shopping, I have to make all my meals. When I’m sick, I’m the one that has to go out and buy orange juice. And sometimes I just want to be taken care of, even if it means just one meal. It’d be nice to just share the burden with someone sometimes.

But then I look at some of the relationships my friends have, and I realize I’d rather carry the burden myself. Then I see other relationships, and I realize how good it can be when the relationship is strong and healthy. Overall, I think my preference is to be in a relationship, but I’m lucky enough to know that my life is happy and complete without one, too.

Even then, I would still like to be taken care of once in a while.

Slipping into the thinky place

23 Oct

It’s been a while since I wrote about the thinky place…actually a month and a half. And it’s because I haven’t really gone there since I temporarily moved there after Dance-O-Rama.

I got there this weekend though. And of course, it started with dance.

In my lesson, I felt like I was messing up basic things, and I was getting frustrated. My teacher, to his credit, seemed surprised because to him, it felt like it was going really well. But I felt I was screwing up easy things I haven’t screwed up in a long time. And then I started thinking about how I was messing up. And I was getting more and more frustrated with myself. When I left, I wanted to cry. Which means I was super frustrated.

And then I realized (after brooding about it for a while). Saturday was Mr Big’s birthday. I haven’t told you much about him, and I’m still not going to. Out of respect for his privacy. But he was a very big part of my life and I do still miss him – or at least the idea of him. Even though it’s been 3 years, I still wonder how he is sometimes.

I think his birthday kinda caught up with me unexpectedly. I haven’t thought about him in a while. And I was caught off guard by the emotions that hit. And dance, I think, was simply the catalyst.

So tonight I went to the dance studio to try and pull myself out of it. And didn’t have much luck. Afterwards it hit me: I’m starting to go back to the place I was after Dance-O-Rama. I’m waiting for someone to make me feel better.

ENOUGH. Starting NOW, I’m going to fake it to make it again, just like I did after Dance-O-Rama. I will make myself happy. I will give myself a talking-to before I go anywhere, especially the studio. I will be positive.

And I won’t let this happen…

Saturday full of stuff

18 Aug

Today was a great day…but very tiring.

I started with an hour of reading. Just reading. In a quiet house. No other distractions, no obligations, just reading. I had things I wanted to do but I didn’t want to wake up my roommates. So instead I read. Which was so good for me. I haven’t really taken the time to do that in a while. And I love to read. Plus, I had this awesome book waiting for me to crack its cover:

I’m about 1/3 of the way through now, and it’s as good as I was hoping it would be. No, actually, it’s better.

Then I went to a yoga class with my friend KB. We’ve been trying to find time to go together to one, and our schedules just never seem to line up well. But today was the day! Corepower Yoga has a free week, so I signed up for that. We did the beginners class. KB has been doing yoga for a while now, so I was worried about keeping up with her. Not keeping up exactly, but I didn’t want to shame myself about how far ahead she (and the rest of the class) was. Turns out, I kept up pretty well! KB is far more flexible than I am, but I did all the poses and only had to cheat on a few of them. I’m sorry, not cheat…modify. Whatever.

The only sucky thing was that yoga apparently needs to be done in a warm room. This wasn’t hot yoga, which I guess is in a room like 105 degrees. But it was 85 degrees, which was HOT for this anti-heat-and-humidity girl. The sweat was literally pouring off my face, and all my clothes got DRENCHED. But I did it! Then we rewarded ourselves with coffee and yummy stuff from the bakery downstairs from the yoga studio. And talked. For about an hour and a half. Which was awesome because 1) I rarely take that much time these days to just stop and chill out and 2) KB is so much fun, I just love hanging out with her.

Errands were next. Dance-O-Rama is next weekend, so I had a lot of things to get today. Girly things like fake eyelashes, fishnet stockings, makeup, snacks…well, I guess snacks aren’t girly. I also had to go to the hardware store, the co-op, the liquor store (yes!), the gas station…whew.

I was headed home when SP called me to see if I wanted to go for a bike ride. I did but couldn’t because of the timing. So instead she came over for about 30 minutes and we hung out. So fun. I enjoy her company so much.

Then a dance lesson. And it was the best one I’ve had in a long time. I haven’t written here much because I’ve been so in my head and in the thinky place on a lot of things but especially dance. More on that later, but today I wasn’t there. I was just enjoying our run-throughs. And laughing a lot. Which hasn’t happen in a long time with dancing.

Grocery store was next. Then home to make dinner. I was so tired, I ate frozen pizza. OK, I cooked it first, but you know what I mean.

And now, I’m exhausted. I’m actually looking at the clock wondering how long until I can go to bed. This will be me in about two hours:

Tomorrow, it’s laundry, brunch with my friend AM, and lots of just hanging out. Hopefully watch a movie and knit. Maybe some reading.

And definitely finish my packing list for Dance-O-Rama because that’s THIS WEEK.

Psych!

22 Jul

Did you think I was fooling ya? Or stuck in the ’80s? Nope, just need to tell you about my latest discovery…

My roommates and I decided not to get cable TV in our new place and just get cable internet. But, Comcast is so into their whole “bundling” crap that it was actually cheaper to get very basic cable plus internet than just internet. So this has been an adjustment for me; I’ve had cable since I was a kid. And I’m kinda addicted to TV. So this is good for me – to not have 150 channels to flip through. And you know what? I don’t really miss it.

The other day, SR and I were looking for something to watch. Neither of us had Netflix DVDs here, so we started flipping through Netflix streaming to find something. She flipped through “Psych” and asked if I had seen it. I hadn’t, she thought I’d like it, so we watched the pilot episode.

How has this show not been part of my TV-viewing life? It’s a mystery, which I love. And it’s funny, with quick wit that is very reminiscent of 1950s Hollywood movies. And watching James Roday and Dule Hill interact and act together is awesome.

Plus, Shawn Spencer is very much my type of guy. Dark-haired, smart, witty, funny, goofy, but able to be serious when needed, kinda rugged and scruffy…that’s for me.

A friend of mine writes a blog about dating and how she’s looking for her Ted Mosby. It’s a great blog; you should check it out.

For me, though…it’d be all about how I met my Shawn Spencer. We’ve talked about how I’m ready to date again; at least I think I am. So if you know any guys that fit the description, feel free to send them my way.

Time to date again?

18 Mar

I had two separate friends, unrelated to each other in my life, on two separate occasions ask me this weekend if I was dating anyone.

The answer to that is no, I’m not.

And actually, I’m fine with that. I have learned how to be happy single, and I don’t feel the need to have a relationship to feel like my life is happy. That being said, I do sometimes miss being in a relationship.

My divorce was quite amicable – I think we realized that we were not good at being spouses to each other and couldn’t make each other happy. We tried, and we did counseling, but in the end, we did what was best for each of us and split up.

After my divorce, I was involved with a really wonderful man who had some issues. I call him Mr Big.

(That’s the real Mr Big, not my Mr Big. Just in case you were confused.)

We were great together. We were best friends. But his issues just got in the way, and I reached a point where it wasn’t healthy or good for me to stay. So we ended things. That was almost 3 years ago, and I probably just got over him last fall.

So I tried online dating. It wasn’t spectacular for me. I think it’s really hard for me to get to know people and date them that way. Plus, I kinda suck at first dates anyway, and I don’t think I’ve ever been involved with someone who I wasn’t friends with first. So it’s tough.

But having my friends ask about my dating life this weekend made me think about it. I think I would like to be dating someone. But meeting single normal men in my age range is really difficult. Especially when you spend most of your free time at a ballroom dance studio.

Side note: Guys, wanna meet some great women and have really a good men-to-women ratio? Take ballroom dance lessons.

So I guess my question is how do you meet men if you’re not doing the online thing? Maybe it’s time for me to pay some attention this – at least, it seems like the universe is telling me to do so.

Because I do miss that. The being with someone. The knowing that there is one person out there to whom you mean the world. The love between you and someone.

(Didn’t you LOVE it when Mr Big showed up in Paris? And when he was FINALLY able to tell Carrie she was the one? I cried. I still cry, every time I see it.)

My Mr Big broke my heart, even though it was my decision to leave. And that took a long time to get over. But I think I’m ready to try again and risk it one more time.

Now I just need to figure out where to meet guys my age.

Repost: The startling truth behind optimism and happiness

19 Feb

The following appeared on my friend Sarah’s blog. You should check out her stuff for sure. All of it is great, but this one really hit home with me and made me think. Thanks, Sarah, for letting me repost it here!

***

The Startling Truth Behind Optimism and Happiness by Sarah on the Go.

There is always someone in your group of friends that is most likely to throw advice at you when you are feeling bummed. Even if we just need to make one tiny decision, they are the ones that voice their opinion louder than the rest. But when advice is so easy to come by, it seems harder to take. The words of three of your girlfriends float above your head and in front of your face, but reaching out to grab them seems a mile away. Sometimes you want to hear from a new perspective; a person outside of your immediate circle of friends who you hold respect for, whose opinion you value.

Not too long ago, I was talking to a friend of mine that I do not get to see nearly as often as I would like to. We get to chit-chat about random stuff like sports and check in with each other from time to time, and I always can rely on him for some quality inspiration. The difference between his advice and that of my close friends– and I appreciate and respect them for their help always– is that the his words come from something that is real; an outlook on improving the quality of life that has become tangible for him. I enjoy his creativity and humor in coming up with ways to stay focused and happy. This time, it is all about Positive Mental Attitude.

Those are the words that I have found myself following lately, and considering I have vowed to make 2012 a year of success and happiness for myself, I would say it is the best motto to go by. I found that this more to the point and uplifting than long strewn out sentences attempting to convince me that the darker days are through.

Having a Positive Mental Attitude, in my opinion, requires a lot of talking to yourself. Go ahead and try it. Tell yourself that you rock and you are going to be happy today. Look out the window and at the sun! It really is shining for you. Put on some good tunes (music has helped me tremendously). Dance around your room, put on your best outfit and go do something today. The more I sit back and think about any of the negativity in my past, the more I do not want to sit back and think about it ever again. What is the use, anyway? There are things to be done, plans to be made, and a full juicy day of life to conquer.

If anyone hates corny clichés more than me, prove it! But as I have recently come to realize that some of those clichés are good for something, you know, like inspiration!

Walking my dog, taking in nature!

Seize the day. Otherwise referred to by hipsters as “Carpe Diem,” this overused cliché has actually been the sidekick to my new-found love for having a Positive Mental Attitude. It may sound corny at first, but when you have already gotten the PMA behind you, it is time to go out there and put it to use – you know, by doing great things with your free time!

My crew and I were supposed to take a weekend trip to Vermont two weekends ago, but because my best friend is moving out on his own with his boyfriend, money was tight. We canceled the trip, but I am still going to snowboard this afternoon upstate with another good friend of mine. I want to take in the cold air into my lungs, zip down snow-covered hills, drink some brews at the bottom and do it all over again. Where is the wrong in this day? There only is if I let there be. Even if I had no plans to snowboard, I would put myself to good use. Whether it was helping with my parent’s huge Superbowl party tomorrow, studying for a test that has not been scheduled yet, or rearranging my extensive iTunes playlist, the hours in your day are what you make of them.

While socialites, rappers, and bond babies can party and bullshit every day, sorry Notorious B.I.G., we have real jobs and responsibilities. However, we can make the best of every minute that we have our feet on the ground, whether the sun is shining (metaphorically) or not. I am being Preacher McPreachy because I have applied PMA to my routine, like a mentally invigorating multi-vitamin taken at the start of the day for a boost of awesome. It soon becomes contagious and there is a great satisfaction when it rubs off on friends, like it has been passed on to me.

I can tell you that this mentality will set you up for a happiness and drive that will eventually come naturally. Dwelling, on one thing or everything is exhausting and time-consuming. You are in charge of your day, and your actions provoke the consequences. No matter what you are going through, making an effort to get happy may just prove easier than you though. Get out there and try, remember the great adventures this life has yet to take you. Be grateful you are alive and well, walking, talking and able to live freely so to act out on all the goals you have set for yourself. Only you can hold yourself back today! A Positive Mental Attitude is all it takes to get started.

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