I am too much of a rock

8 Sep

Daily prompt from 9/4: “Is it easy for you to ask for help when you need it, or do you prefer to rely only on yourself? Why?”

This was a very timely prompt. The short answer: No, it is not easy for me to ask for help when I need it. I’ve gotten much better at it, but lately I’ve realized how much more I need to work on it.

First, the why. I have had to rely on myself for much of life. Not that I don’t have friends, but in the past friendships have ended abruptly. So I’ve learned to just do things myself. And no one likes a complainer, and I’m always afraid that burdening people will cause them to not like me. So I’ve learned to just keep things to myself. Not the best approach, but at least I’m aware of it now and have made much improvement over the last 5 years.

Now, the timeliness. This past month has been a struggle for me. Not even going to the thinky place. Just sadness. I talked to my therapist yesterday. She said that all the research points out that it’s the pile-up of a bunch of little stresses that really get to people. We’re equipped as a culture to deal with big things and rally around people dealing with big things. But we don’t do so well with the little things. And this past month has been a bunch of little things.

*I moved. Again. For the fourth time in five years. My roommates moved up north, I couldn’t find another roommate, and I couldn’t afford the apartment on my own if I want to keep working towards my financial goals. So dear friends of mine offered to let me stay with them until I reach my goals next summer. At that point, I’ll be able to afford a place on my own again. So moving was a double whammy: the stress of moving and the added stress of joining an established household and feeling like it was a step backwards.

no-whammies!
No whammies!

*While my foot is pretty much 100%, I still have endurance issues with cardio. SUPER FRUSTRATING. I know it’ll come back eventually. I just feel like I am nowhere near where I was (in terms of dance) before I broke my foot.

*I’m working on checking out of my level in dance. This always makes me thinky and makes me feel like I’m not a good dancer.

*My ex-boyfriend has been looking up my profile on LinkedIn. Don’t need that.

*I don’t need to see he’s been looking my up because I’ve been grieving a new layer of that relationship ending. Still the right thing to do, still miss him very much.

Those are just the highlights; there are other things I won’t bore you with. But it’s all been adding up to me feeling that I don’t matter and having very low self-confidence. And in hindsight, I should have called a friend or two and talked to them. But it’s so hard for me to do that! So this daily prompt reminded me that although it’s difficult, I need to do it. When I’m that far in the hole with sadness, I can’t do it. I just need to remember that I MUST. Otherwise, I just slide further and further.

OK, before you think I came up with this on my own…the prompt helped, but I couldn’t actually do it until I saw my therapist yesterday. That started the air moving in my brain a bit, so I was able to talk to a few friends about it yesterday which also helped. And today I ran the fastest run EVER (well, at least for me):

RUN!

So with talking to friends, running my ass off today, and checking out soon, I’m starting to feel better.

One Response to “I am too much of a rock”

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Meanwhile, back at the ranch… | The Reinvented Lass - September 29, 2013

    […] I’ve mentioned before, it’s been a rough patch. And I was frustrated by having another emotional rough patch. But […]

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