Can I stop the vicious circle?

17 Jul

This was not the post I intended for today. But I need to write this…

I just got home from a dance lesson like 5 minutes ago. And I’m so frustrated. With myself. AGAIN.

I’ve done a good job since I’ve been back dancing of letting the joy in. I resolved when I went back that I would have fun, I would be happy, I would enjoy dancing, I would not get in my own way, and I would remember what it was like to not dance. And every time I’ve been at the studio since I’ve been back, I’ve done that.

Until tonight.

I’m not sure what set me off. I’m tired…it’s a crazy week at work and I’ve already put in a ton of hours. I’m tired, too, because it’s like a million degrees and humid so sleeping is more difficult. Even with the air on (and it’s been on all day), it’s still 81 degrees inside. Gross. And my schedule has been a bit nuts, so I haven’t been able to practice on my own, so I feel like I’m wasting lesson time working on school figures so much. But tonight we started working on them, and they never go as well as I would like. And tonight, that frustrated me. Other lessons, I’ve been annoyed by them because they never feel as good doing them alone as they do while dancing, but they haven’t driven me to the thinky place. Tonight they did.

Then I get frustrated that I’m frustrated which leads to more frustration which makes me frustrated that I’m frustrated…see the pattern? I even asked my teacher to give me a minute, and I tried to talk myself out of it. That helped some, but I was still frustrated. And I hate leaving the studio when I’m that frustrated. It’s like ending on a bad note, and I don’t like that. And I know my teacher is fine, he worries that I beat myself up too much (ya think?). It’s nothing he’s doing or not doing. It’s all me in my brain in the thinky place. And we all know how well I do in the thinky place.

Then I start to worry that this will happen again on my next lesson. And I start to worry that this time will be the time everyone there gets frustrated with me and doesn’t want me around. The first is totally in my control – don’t go thinky again. The second is not in my control, but I also know if they haven’t kicked me out by now, they’re not going to.

So…my next lesson is Saturday. Number one: read the reminder list I have about dance before I go in. That will help me remember to laugh and have fun. Number two: work on school figures between now and then. I should be able to tomorrow. Number three: relax. One bad lesson does not a pattern make. Number four: DANCE. And let the joy in. And be OK with however well or not well I’m dancing that day.

And for God’s sakes, avoid the thinky place!

2 Responses to “Can I stop the vicious circle?”

  1. Marsha July 18, 2013 at 7:48 am #

    For me Cathy, it is all about self doubt, and the concern that others will view me in other than kind ways. It is so easy to fall into doubt about our ability, purpose, and results. And strangely for me, success can even be a problem, because then there is so much to live up to! It is really hard to shut your mind off and just do it. But that is exactly what we must do. Relax and enjoy. I say this as much for myself today as for you!!

    • The Reinvented Lass July 18, 2013 at 7:50 am #

      That’s exactly it! This is not how I want others to see me and remember me. And I worry, sometimes, I think, that this is how I’m seen. I know that’s not true, but it feels true sometimes. Stupid brain. Yes, you’re right, just relax and enjoy. Breathe. And let it go. 🙂

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