So we all know I broke my foot. And as far as breaks go, it’s not a bad break to have. It’ll heal in about six weeks total, it should heal without complications, I have a walking air cast and not a hard plaster cast, I can still walk, I can drive. All in all, it’s not too bad.
The activity restriction is killing me. No working out except upper body strength training. No running or cardio of any sort. No dancing. I didn’t realize how active of a person I had become. I like to move.
But more than that…it helps my mental health, I now realize. Without the cardio, I don’t sleep as well, I’m more cranky, I’m more depressed.
And what will my foot and ankle be like when the cast comes off? How much will they have atrophied, and how long will it take to get back to 100%?
Friday night, I was watching an episode of Call the Midwife. (Which is a great show, by the way.) And sometimes, my eyes tear up when watching. But Friday, I just started crying…almost sobbing. At which point I realized that this was not all about the show. So I talked to my therapist about it.
Turns out, I’m depressed. And frustrated. And angry. Everything is harder with my foot. Grocery shopping takes longer and more effort. Walking is harder and more fatiguing because I’m using muscles differently. Healing takes a lot of energy, so I’m more tired. I don’t have the energy in the evenings.
And then I get worried…am I reverting to being a fat sloth again? Am I healing or am I simply going back to old ways of sitting on my ass and not doing anything?
My therapist tried to get me to give myself permission to rest. And also to try talking to myself that this behavior is just for the six weeks of healing. Once the cast is gone and I start to get use of my foot back, the behaviors will start to fade too. And I’ll get back to being the active person I once was.
But the other thing is I feel lonely. One, because I don’t have energy so I’m not going out much. But two, I’m not dancing. And being at the studio as much as I normally am makes for a big part of my social life. And I feel left out. I’ve stopped in a few times and will continue to do so. But it’s not the same. I went to the party last Thursday night. And it was great to see people and talk to people and people seemed glad to see me. But it was also really really hard to be there and not dance. And I know that it’s better for me not to dance at all to make for a faster recovery. It’s so hard though. And then when the party’s done, I go home and know I won’t be able to participate for a while.
Plus Showcase is Sunday. And you all know that Showcase for me is like Christmas. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I should still go and support everyone else. It will be so hard. But I think I’d feel worse if I skipped it entirely. So I’ll go. I’ll go knowing that it’ll be a really hard day. But I’ll try to focus on my friends and supporting them.
This is all so hard. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s all short-term and that in another month I’ll have my cast off. I’m trying to tell myself that thank God it’s temporary and not for life. I’m trying to tell myself that others have it far worse than I do. I’m trying to tell myself that once I get back to healthy, I’ll be the same active person I was before this happened. I’m trying to tell myself that I’ll dance again (and soon), and when I do, I’ll be at the level I was at. I’m trying to tell myself this will pass and will pass soon.
But right now, it just sucks.