I have had cranky pants on for a week or so now, and today was really bad.
I’m not sure what triggered this particular episode. But I know that when I have cranky pants on, I start to think I fail at EVERYTHING.
Work? FAIL. I like my job, but we’re in the slow period right now. And that makes me think I’m not needed and I’m not having an impact. That I don’t matter. And we all know how tough that is for me.
Exercise? FAIL. I started back at the gym last week. And now my shins hurt a tiny bit after today’s run. I’m going to get through this 9-week couch to 5K program, just to finish it. But then I’ll probably need to give up running. Which means I can’t do something a lot of other people have no problem doing. And I’ll need to do cardio on a bike, which means taking MORE time to workout to get the same effect. Boo.
Diet? Big ol’ FAIL. The last month or two, I’ve gotten off my eating plan and I’ve gained 5-6 pounds. It doesn’t sound like a lot, I know, but it makes me self-conscious and I feel huge. Like HUGE. Like must-not-tuck-in-any-shirts-ever huge. I know I’m an emotional eater. But knowing it and stopping it are different. I also used to drink a gallon – yes a GALLON – of water a day. I haven’t done that in almost a month. Dehydrated fail.
Money? FAIL. I spend too much. Not drastically too much, but more than I’d like. There are psychological roots to this which I’m working on. But in the meantime, it’s another area I fail at. (Anyone have any great ideas on tracking expenses?)
Friends? Little fail. I see my friends but not as much lately. No particular reason other than schedules. But it makes me feel like I have no friends.
Dance? MegaFAIL. Showcase was a week ago, and it went well. That day, I felt like I was dancing the best I ever had. And then I watched the video. And felt like I had no reason to be out on the floor.
Do I know none of this is true? Of course I do. The rationale, intellectual side of me totally gets it. But the emotional side would beg to differ with you. Is some of this hormonal? Probably. Can I change this thought process? Yep, I can. It takes work though.
But I need to do that. Not only do I need to stop thinking that I’m failing at life (stopitstopitstopitstopit), but I need to focus on these areas to improve on them. Especially diet and exercise since they feel the weakest at any time.
Writing this helps purge the feelings. I think it’s a good start. Tomorrow, I will have fun at the Thanksgiving potluck at the studio. I will focus on the areas I excel in.
And I will remember the words of the great Groucho Marx.