I think I had an epiphany this week.
You know I’ve struggled with the idea of knowing and believing that I matter to other people and in this world. But I think I just connected that to the fact that I don’t think I matter to ME.
Weird right? Here I am with this baggage because I feel like I don’t matter to people and I believe that I should. But that belief that I don’t matter has left me believing that on a subconscious level. I don’t matter…even to me.
I think that’s why I struggle with anything that relates to taking care of myself. It’s why getting to the gym on any sort of regular basis is difficult. It’s why I have such a hard time controlling what I eat and eating healthy. It’s why I don’t wash my face at night (although I do brush my teeth every night). It’s why I don’t take time for me. Even though I really want to do all those things. I get in my own way because I think I don’t matter to myself.
And I’m sick of that. SICK OF IT. DONE.
I’m so tired of getting in my own way. I’m tired of being unable to do what I want to do, know I should do (I know, avoid the word should…whatever), and know I’ll feel better if I do. Like working out. And eating well. And taking 10 minutes to recharge myself.
I’m tired of the baseline anxiety I have. (Which, ps, has been soooo bad this week.) I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter, that it’s out of sight out of mind for people when it comes to me (meaning if I’m not around, they’re not thinking of me). I’m tired of all this crap getting in the way. I’m tired of my brain overthinking things and making things (like dance) less joyful for me. I’m tired of getting in my own way.
Despite how angry I am at it, I don’t know how to fix it.
Thank goodness I have a great therapist. And you can bet that I’ll be bringing this up when I see her next.
I want to believe that I’m important to others and that I make a difference in this world. Intellectually, I know that’s true; I just have a super hard time believing it. I want to put myself first sometimes and do the things I want to do to take care of myself. I want to know overthink things.
I’m sure it’s not going to be easy to get from here to there. Especially since I don’t have a clue how to start.
But right now, I’m so frustrated with myself, my brain, and my baggage. I could cry, I’m that frustrated. I probably should – I’d probably feel better. But I can’t.
But I’m absolutely fed up. UP TO HERE. And I want to be done with it. And be less anxious. And happier. And more at peace.
I hope I can get there eventually.