Do I matter?

27 Dec

Today has not been a good day. I’ve been in my thinky place way too much. I’ve been pondering how I matter in this world and to my friends.

I give presents to let people know how much they matter to me, how much I value them in my life, and how much I care about them. I know it’s not a contest, and it’s certainly not tit-for-tat. I want people to give me presents for the same reasons not because they feel obligated to do so.

I gave about 20 presents this year for Christmas to my friends. They were mostly little things like homemade infused vodka. From my friends, I got 3 presents. KC got me a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. SR got me a silicone pad for baking and some of her favorite recipes. And RM got me a funny wine cork and chocolate. Those presents meant a lot to me because it tells me they thought about me. It makes me wonder if I matter to my other friends. I mean, these people are so dear to me. But do I matter to them? Or is it out of sight, out of mind?

I did Christmas cards this year to only a few friends due to time. Oops. So I know it shouldn’t upset me, but I only got two cards from friends. Christmas day, no one contacted me to wish me Merry Christmas. Again, did anyone even think about me?

I don’t even matter to my own family, except for my brother sometimes and my dad.

I had a dance lesson today. I was so looking forward to it because 1) my teacher was on vacation last week so I haven’t had a lesson with him in about a week and a half and 2) dance is something I can actually do so I was looking forward to feeling good about it.

It took a few dances to get back into the groove again. Of course, I took that as proof that I’m really not a good dancer. And then every mistake I made after that to me was reinforcement of that.

Then I started to think that although I consider the people at the studio friends (or as much as we can be friends within those four walls), maybe I only matter to them because they make money off me, I make my teacher look good because I perform well, and I bring them food.

End result of all this? Thinky place – big time.

I feel very alone. I feel like I don’t have friends. I feel like if I were to disappear tomorrow, no one would really even notice. OK, they’d notice, but their lives wouldn’t be impacted at all. I feel like people like me when I’m around but don’t ever think about me when I’m not.

I’ve worked so hard lately to try and build my life again to be happier, healthier, and more upbeat. And now I’m wondering if it’s worth it. All this work, and the end result is still that I’m alone and without friends.

Maybe this is all holiday crap – the holiday blues that people talk about. I’m sure this feeling will pass and I’ll look back and realize how stupid I’m being.

But right now…I feel alone. And like I don’t matter to the universe.

10 Responses to “Do I matter?”

  1. Liz December 27, 2011 at 10:44 pm #

    You matter a great deal to me Cath! I don’t always reach out to you, but you matter very much and I do think of you quite often!! I just did the other day when my mom gave me Diana Gabaldon’s new book from the Lord John Grey series. I wonder if you’ve read it yet and what you think…

    Hope tomorrow looks a little better!

    Love you!

    • The Reinvented Lass December 28, 2011 at 3:06 pm #

      Thanks! I appreciate the kind words. No I haven’t read it yet. In fact, I’ve only read one of the Lord John Grey books. *shame* I keep meaning to check them out of the library. So now I will!

      Love you too! Maybe we can get together soon?

  2. jody.freeman@gmail.com December 28, 2011 at 6:16 am #

    You matter. Don ‘t ever think your presence in the world makes no impact. Sometimes the impact you make is not apparent to you, but it is there nonetheless. J

  3. TS December 28, 2011 at 8:24 am #

    Everyone has these thinky days, honey. Mine are at least monthly, if not weekly. I have constant battles with myself about what a worthless wife and mother I am, how unworthy I am of the life I have, and how fat and hideous I am. It is a daily struggle to pack it down deep so I don’t show that side of me to my kids and pass my insecurities on to them. I think you need to take a walk outside. Look at what’s around you, the beauty in the world. Think about the impact you make on people. Those gifts you got meant something to you, and you know the ones you gave meant something to the people who received them. You made an impact. You spread joy. Take a deep breath, focus on your blessings, and remind yourself to pat your own back once in a while. This world can be rocky and bumpy and people can be douchy. But this life is beautiful.

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