Off the rails

3 Sep

It’s been a tough week. Stressful and exhausting. Lots of stuff kinda up in the air right now and it’s hard to find a firm ground for me to stand on. As a result, I’ve allowed myself to get derailed in how I think, how I react and how I take care of myself.

Luckily, I do have some good things that are firm ground for me. Like my dad. My dad is awesome. He’s a lot like me (or I’m a lot like him), and he really supports me. He also has the same issues with my mother that I do, so we’re secret partners-in-crime in that – we commiserate a lot. I also have my part-time job as firm ground. My full-time job is one of the things not on firm ground. I’m not in danger of losing it, but it’s just really stressful and lots of unsure things happening there especially in terms of the financial future of the U. But my part-time job is good. It’s a nice break from my full-time job, I love the people I work with, I think I’m respected there, and I get to be around dogs at it! Dancing is also firm ground for me. It’s something I do well (even though I still have a hard time believing that) but it’s also something that I can see the progress I make each lesson. I can walk away after a lesson and say THIS in my dancing is better than it was yesterday. So that’s cool.

But when I get stressed and tired, in addition to getting uber-sensitive (see my previous post about that), I get too tired to fight my natural tendencies. So I let the negative emotions win, I don’t work out, I don’t eat right, I don’t wash my face at the end of the day, and I don’t sleep well. I realized today (with the help of my awesome therapist) that I also tend to beat myself up about how I’m not doing things the way I should. (Did you know “should” is an evil word? But it was a word I was raised on.) So now I try to change my thought process – reframe it, if you will – into “oops, I derailed, now it’s time to get back on track”.

So I’m going to use this long weekend (yay!) to get back on track. It will be important for me this weekend to do things that take care of ME. That includes getting back on my eating plan and working  out. Not watching too much TV. Reading. Just BEING. When I had my two weeks of vacation, I tried to do some of it then. I need to do that again over the next few days. I need to mindful of what I’m doing and make sure the things I do this weekend are things to get me back on track and take care of me. I don’t like behaving the way I have been, so I’m going to do my best to get back on track this weekend. Wish me luck!

But first, I might take a nap…

“When something bad happens, you have three choices. You can let it define you, you can let it destroy you, or you can let it strenghen you.”

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