Weekly roundup

Last week, I…

*Had dance lessons with a different teacher while mine was on vacation. It’s always interesting to work with another teacher. But it makes me appreciate how well my regular teacher and me work together. Not that the exchange lessons weren’t great – they were, just not as great as my regular lessons.

*Started dog-sitting for a friend of mine. My two companions:

     

More on our adventures soon.

*Practiced at the studio again with my friend SH. I really enjoy that. It’s like having a workout buddy. But for dancing. But it’s not a dance partner. You know what I mean.

*Wondered what I should be writing about on my blog.

*Watched “The Count of Monte Cristo” with my book club. We had just read it for book club, so we watched the movie as a group. That was fun! We’re reading “The Great Gatsby” for this month, so maybe we’ll watch that when the new movie version comes out in May.

*Went for frozen yogurt with SP because it’s spring. Kinda. Because this is totally a spring forecast:

I don’t know why it says Mendota Heights when I’m in St Paul.

No? Oh well. It is what it is. I want it to get warmer just so people stop complaining ALL THE TIME about the weather.

*Worked out A LOT. Which felt great. And tiring.

All in all, a pretty awesome week!

Daily prompt: Apply yourself

Daily writing challenge from January 19: “Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to you.”

(I know, I know, this is from a while ago. Sorry!)

My last attempt to learn something that did not come easily to me…well, I think it was in dance (of course.) There have been a few things over the last year that have not come easily in dance. Welcome to being an advanced dancer, apparently.

But the one that is sticking out in my mind was actually the first time I ran into this in dance. I started as a newcomer (duh, because I was new) and then moved to Bronze I and then to Bronze II and then to Bronze III. It was about 15 months I think from newcomer to Bronze III? Fifteen or twenty months; I can’t remember. But I know it was fast. Super fast. When I got to Bronze III, I remember my teacher telling me that the days of easy fixes were over.

And he was right. We were working on a turn in my foxtrot routine (which is now my foxtrot open freestyle.) I think the turn is Bronze IV or Silver – I can’t remember – and it took almost the entire lesson before I could do it on my own correctly.

I remember wanting to cry on that lesson. I remember feeling so angry, especially at my teacher for pushing me and not giving up. I wanted to give up and work on it another time. He wouldn’t. I was so frustrated.

But that turn was the first time it took me SO LONG to get something right in my muscles. Dance until then had been very easy: one suggestion from my teacher, and I could fix what was wrong. Suddenly I was faced with something that I had to actually work on, and it didn’t come easily to me. I didn’t get it in five minutes or even fifteen. Oh that was hard. So frustrating.

He rarely pushes me that far anymore. But he knew, far better than I did, that I could do it and that giving in to giving up would set me back further, and it would allow me to walk away thinking I couldn’t do it. He was proving a point and giving me a lesson. A difficult lesson to learn, but a valuable one. (I just realized that sounds like he’s totally manipulative, and he’s not. Occasionally he won’t let me give up and move on, and this was one of those times.)

And I know that he would not choreograph a step without knowing I could do it someday. Maybe not right away, but someday soon. Same with technique. He would not give me things to work on in technique if he didn’t know I could do it someday. When I get frustrated, I remember that. Luckily the frustration has become more and more rare.

And in fact, with the way my lessons have been going, the frustration is pretty nonexistent. There are certainly things that don’t come right away to me, but I know if I keep plugging away at it, I’ll get it. And it will be super good when I do get it.

The real goal

Remember when I was talking about goals a few weeks ago? And I said that my dance goal was to be the best dancer I could be?

I lied.

But to be fair, I didn’t realize I was lying. Well, I knew it when I wrote that, but I hadn’t realized it for the three years prior to that.

Still with me? Good.

You see, I sat down with my teacher shortly after the holidays. I wanted to talk about our goals, mainly to make sure we were on the same page but also to understand where he’s coming from in terms of teaching. I never second-guess him, I completely trust him, but sometimes I just need to understand why we’re doing what we’re doing.

And he said that he had finally figured it out: In putting together all the things I have said over the years, what he thought I was saying was not that I wanted to be the best dancer I could be, but to be the best dancer. Period.

My reaction when he said that? A huge internal recoil. No, no, no, I can’t possibly have meant that!

Hmm, where did that recoil come from? It took me a while (and some professional help) to figure it out. And I won’t bore you with all that.

But in the end…he’s right.

Damn. I hate it when he’s right.

Now, “the best dancer” is really unattainable. You will never NEVER be the best at everything every day all the time in dance. Everyone has off days. And even if you don’t have an off day, you may have a judge that is just looking for something different than how you dance.

So I had to adjust the goal in my head a bit to make it reachable. Reword it, really.

But at the end of the day?

Yep, I want to be the best dancer. THE BEST ONE.

And I’ll tell you…embracing this (or at least not recoiling on it) has changed how I’m learning in lessons. Even before the conversation, my teacher had changed how he teaches me a bit too because of his interpretation of the goal. And my progress has been HUGE. And now it’s an upward spiral…my lessons are going well, I’m learning a lot, so I’m motivated to do homework, which makes my lessons better etc etc etc.

And it’s FANTASTIC. And makes me so happy.

GOOOAALLLLLLL

Goals are important. Especially in hockey.

(That photo’s for you, B.)

But they’re also important in dancing. Have you thought about what your dancing goals are? I do think about it, especially now that I’ve been doing this for a while.

When I started dancing, I had no goal. I didn’t know if I could even do this, let alone have any goal about it. Then I found out I could do this. And I still didn’t really have a goal articulated.

Some people want to just learn steps and check out of levels. Some people want to be good social dancers. Some people want to be great competitors. Some people want something fun to do with their significant other.

I wanted to be a good social dancer and a great performer/competitor. That made me realize…my goal was to be the best dancer I could be. And that has been my overarching goal for a long time.

We have goals for different timeframes too. Like checking out of a level. (This is the primarily goal for some people. I really couldn’t care about levels because I learn a lot by staying in a level for a while. Oh my teacher would be so proud to hear me say that. But some people are super focused on what level they’re in and how fast they’re moving through the levels.)

Showcase, which is every six months, is also a goal too – to have things reach a certain point by then. That’s more my teacher’s to think about. He knows best what to have ready when and what to focus on at Showcase. I even have goals for the day of Showcase – usually just one thing to think about while dancing such as posture, forward poise, stretch left, head up. (Head up was an early one. I tended to look up but kept my head down.)

It’s interesting to think about. Dancing is not just about dancing. You have to think about – and let your teacher know – what you want to achieve through your dancing. You have to know it, your teacher has to know it, you have to talk to your teacher about your goals.

And then watch how much you can achieve.

Time to refocus

I like New Year’s because it’s a chance to refocus. I don’t like resolutions…they sound like work and negative consequences and failure. I prefer to think of it more positively: let’s refocus our efforts as we start a new year.

Unlike Calvin, I’m very aware I’m not perfect. But here are the main things I’d like to refocus on in 2013.

Physical health
I was doing very well for most of 2012, but December was kind of a bust. So, time to get back to the gym three times a week (like I was before). I’ll keep running and do more strength training. I want to continue and increase my morning yoga. It’s such a great way to start the day.

Food
It’s also time to get back to eating healthier, especially now that the holidays are over. (I don’t even want to think about the food I ate in December!) And expand the types of food I cook. Chicken and rice can only be made so many different ways.

Writing
Writing has become very important to me as has this blog. I’d like to write more often and build a consistent schedule of posts. (I’ve been doing well this week, haven’t I?)

Dancing
You know, this has become such an integral part of my life, and I sometimes take it for granted. I want to make it a more deliberate part of my life again, and I want to become a better dancer. I want to dance more – go to more group classes and more parties at the studio. I don’t always make a priority of the group classes, and they are really good and fun to go to. I also want to work on things on my own that I can do on my own, like Cuban motion exercises.

Creative hobbies
I’d like to bake more and try new recipes. Keep going with my grandma’s recipes and try those. I’d like to do more knitting – maybe try mittens – and maybe learn to crochet too.

Relationships
I think I need to take a more active part in dating too. Meaning actually trying to meet people.

Money
I think I have one final hurdle to overcome in terms of managing my money as well as I’d like too. So my goal this year is to tackle that hurdle. If I can do it, I’ll reward myself with some of the money I’ve saved.

Mental health
It’s going to be important to continue to work on avoiding the thinky place. I’ve made great progress, but I still have some work to do on it. I have a feeling this will always be something to work on for me.

***
I guess my ultimate goal is this:

Thanks, Michelle, for the image! It sums up perfectly what I ultimately aim for. That, and to make the day better for people I meet each day.

Here’s hoping 2013 is all that we all want it to be. Cheers!

2012 roundup

2012 was a good year for me.

*I moved out of my parents’ house and back to my beloved city.

*I went to my first Dance-O-Rama. It was a great experience, although difficult at the time, and I can’t wait until I can do another one.

*I had a rhythm dance dress made for me.

*When 2012 started, I was 3 weeks into a new job, which I really liked. And I still like it a lot, and I’m still learning a ton.

*I started knitting much more. And have made some nice things.

*I started running, and ran two 5Ks, including this one.

*I found an old cocktail book and have been making great old cocktails from it.

I did the same with some recipes from my grandmother my dad found.

*I made some crafty things, and they turned out OK.

*My dancing has improved A LOT this year, especially in the last three months.

***
In terms of the goals I made at the beginning of the year:

*Better physical health? Yep. I lost more weight, getting within 10 pounds of my goal. (I have gained 5 in the last month, but we won’t talk about that yet.) I was eating a lot better (until the last month, but we’ll ignore that for now.)

*Better mental health and a most positive outlook? I think so. I’ve tried to be more positive and to not go thinky. A few people have commented that they’ve noticed a difference in my attitude.

*I went to a Dance-O-Rama, I’ve not been as thinky about dance, I’ve done more creative things like baking and knitting, and I’ve continued with my blogging.

***
Speaking of my blog, here are some interesting stats.

*In the past year, most of my views came from the US with England, Canada (Hi DG!), and Australia (Hi KP!) next.

*My most viewed post is one I did on Quicken vs Mint.com, followed by infusing vodka, and pear chocolate cake. Money, alcohol and food.

*The most common search term used that drives people to my blog is “mint.com vs quicken” (or some variation of that) followed by “pear chocolate cake”, and “handle of Svedka”. Money, food, and alcohol. Sense a pattern yet?

***
Tomorrow, I’ll tell you what my goals for 2013 are. Til then, be safe tonight!

Writing challenges

I love writing my blog. I write it more for me than anyone – it’s very therapeutic for me to write. But with my crazy schedule, I often push off writing a post.

So when WordPress sent out this writing challenge, I thought it sounded great. A post every day on whatever I want for a week? Yes. It’ll help me get in the habit of writing. After the first week, I can always switch to a less frequent schedule.

Plus who doesn’t love a challenge? Well, me, but I’ll take this one.

Bring it, WordPress.

A controversial blog name

Remember a little bit ago when I was talking about being short and fat? In that post, I mentioned a fantastic blog I follow and how she had changed the name from “Dancing with Stefanie” to “Biggest Girl in the Ballroom”. I asked Stef if she wanted to respond and do a guest post with her thoughts. (I love how much this blog has allowed me to connect with so many amazing people!) She did. And here’s her post.

***

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

Starting a blog has been a wonderful and surprising blessing in my life.  I originally began writing about my journey with ballroom dancing (which is really just a metaphor for the journey I’m having internally with myself, and yes, Reinvented Lass, I am in the Phoenix, Arizona area) because I had so much to say about it that my husband’s eyes began to glaze over before I was 10% done with what I wanted to tell him!  I honestly thought that maybe my mom and possibly my very best friend would read my ramblings.  But over 150 posts later, I’ve made many digital friends, connected more deeply with local fellow-ballroom-ers, and even met some of my distant followers in person.

The blog may be about my specific story, but it is also a community of sorts.  And it always thrills me to no end to connect with readers and also writers of other blogs.  So you can imagine my delight when I got a message from The Reinvented Lass on my Facebook page letting me know she’d mentioned my blog in a recent post and that she was inviting me to write a guest post to respond to her comments.

Here’s what she wrote:

So why do I still see a fat girl in the mirror?

I’m working on changing that body image. Working hard. But it means undoing years of belief about myself, and that’s hard to do.

 This has been on my mind lately for a reason. I follow this awesome blog called Dancing with Stefanie. She’s a ballroom dancer in Arizona (I think? Not sure exactly where), and it chronicles her dance journey. She’s a bit overweight, which impacts her dancing. The blog used to talk about dancing, how it impacts her life, and how it’s pushing her to get in better shape.

Then she renamed the blog. To “Biggest Girl in the Ballroom“.

I haven’t talked to her yet about it. But the new title bothers me a little. To me, it’s putting too much focus on her appearance and is taking away from her focus on dancing and the joy it’s bringing her.

And that made me think about my own thoughts about my shape. And it’s kinda giving me a little bit of a wake-up call.

First of all, I think it is incredibly cool that The Reinvented Lass was influenced by blog and that she made some personal discoveries about herself.  I love that she is aware and self-reflective and that she noticed that it bothered her that I had changed the name of the blog, causing her to think about her own inner dialogue.  So often I think that my blog is kind of self-indulgent but reading her words makes me think that perhaps it can be helpful to others as well.   I also love that The Reinvented Lass spoke her truth and shared her thoughts about me changing the name of my blog.  I love that she started the conversation and reached out to make it a meaningful exchange.

So, here’s the story.

When I first began my blog I started it on Blogger and it was actually originally called “The Biggest Girl In the Ballroom.”  I feel like it is a catchy and intriguing title, something that might entice a person to read.  But some friends and readers had the same concerns The Reinvented Lass did about the title.  They said things like, “If you want to change this about yourself, why are you putting it out there that you are the biggest girl in the ballroom?”  And, “Why are you focusing on your size and weight?”  And, “Why are you defining yourself in this way?  You are much more than your appearance.”

Valid points, I thought.

So when I decided to make the move to WordPress because I had become a bit more serious about really doing this blog thing after one of my early posts got 1800 hits and I decided that perhaps I had something valid and engaging to share and that WordPress was a better platform to really grow the community I envisioned (go run-on sentence, go!), I also decided that I’d make a fresh start and re-name the blog “Dancing With Stefanie.”

So I’ve been chugging along as “Dancing With Stefanie” for about a year now but recently, and I can’t remember exactly what it was that made me decide to change it back, but it was for same reason as before – simply because it seems to me to be a more intriguing title than “Dancing With Stefanie.”  Basically, I was looking at ways to improve my visibility and reach in the digital community.  It’s like, who cares about some chick named Stefanie?  “Dancing With Stefanie” doesn’t really inform the reader as to what content they will find on the blog page.

So, the decision wasn’t actually related to self-esteem in this case. I’d contemplated that aspect in the past and it felt more emotionally charged for me back then.  However, that being said, it is interesting how much a name affects things.  Like Shakespeare noted, a rose by any other name would still be a rose, the name doesn’t change the thing itself; though the name of the blog has changed, the content is still the same.  But Reinvented Lass brings up a good point.  Even if the blog is the same on the inside, the name change affects how others perceive it.  It also makes me ponder what message I broadcast to the world with my blog title and if it is the one I want to send.   What am I focusing on?  Is this the best choice?

To me, the title “Biggest Girl In The Ballroom” is an accurate reflection of my current reality and it is a “sexier” more interesting name than “Dancing With Stefanie.”   I have to say that being so big has had its advantages, and I want to honor that aspect as well.  You see, many people know who I am because I am such an oddity in the competitive ballroom world.  I move really well, not just for someone who is obese, but, as Ivan (my instructor) put it, “It’s funny….no, that not the right word….it amazing to seeing someone so big to be moving so feminine like you.” (He’s Bulgarian and English is a 4^th language).  I’m instantly noticeable because of my size, and that combined with my dancing skills makes me more memorable.

That being said, it’s really not working for me to be this big.  It is something I deeply want to change and something I continue to work towards.  I guess at the end of the day, I’m not really attached to either title for the blog because I know where I am going and what I want.  It’s not my identity and it doesn’t define me, but I do think that it makes me more visible.  I’ve kind of already processed the emotional charge to both names and decided to go with the one for the moment that I think seems more interesting and informative.  I’m on a mission to transform myself, kind of like the Reinvented Lass has done, from the outside in and the inside out.  I’m both Stefanie and the biggest girl in the ballroom, at least for the moment.  And, well, if I’m focusing on my size, so be it.  I’m no longer in denial about the fact that no matter how well I may dance it cannot compensate for my unhealthy body.  It’s good to focus on this because I want to change it.  No, because I am changing it.  It’s on my mind and it’s on my heart, and I guess it’s on my blog as well.  Because as much joy as dancing brings me, as much as I love it and as wonderful as it is, it also brings me low moments…moments of sadness and even despair.  Dancing, like life, brings experiences of both light and darkness and gives me the opportunity to face all aspects of myself, even the uncomfortable ones, the shadow sides.  I believe that there is a gift in this.  These sad times are sometimes more motivating than the happy ones and this makes me want to grow, change, and transform.

It’s interesting that I’ve gone from “Biggest Girl In The Ballroom” to “Dancing With Stefanie” back to “Biggest Girl In The Ballroom.”  I don’t perhaps know exactly what it means, or if there is any great meaning behind it at all.  I do know that it’s part of the journey.  I do know that I’m changing and perhaps this is being reflected with changes in my blog.  Thanks Reinvented Lass for caring enough to say something about it and for giving me the opportunity to reflect upon this, connect with you and your readers, and to do some self-discovery of my own.    I’m grateful.

-Stef

***
Thanks so much, Stef, for sharing your thoughts!! God knows, most of us who dance have gone through issues because of it. I know I’ve worked through my share. I’m going to keep working on them, and Stef, I can’t wait to hear more about your journey!

Keep dancing!

What do happy people do differently?

I love how the universe works. I’ve been all cranky pants lately, and then I saw this on Facebook. Of course, it made me think but in a good way. Mainly because it says in black and white things that I’m not doing. And not doing them leads to the thinky place. And cranky pants. Boo.

1. Express gratitude.
Something I really don’t do enough. I am so grateful for so many things in my life. And I take them for granted. I have some close, amazing friends. I have my health. I have a good job I like. I have dancing. I need to remind myself of these things more frequently.

2. Cultivate optimism.
Ha. I think we can all safely say that is not something that I naturally do. Hello, I’m Irish. Optimism does not come naturally.

3. Avoid overthinking and social comparison.
‘Nuff said, right?

4. Practice acts of kindness.
I think I actually do this a fair amount. I try to help others and do little things for people.

5. Nurture social relationships.
I kinda do this. But when I get thinky, I go inward. And become a little anti-social. When what I really need to do is reach out and be social. Counter-intuitive, but there ya go.

6. Develop strategies for coping.
This, I can do. I have strategies. I’ve learned a lot over the last few years about how to cope. I just need to remember to use them.

7. Learn to forgive.
I’m really good at forgiveness except for forgiving myself. I have such high standards for myself, and I totally beat myself up when I don’t meet them. (See also: dance.) I need to work on forgiving myself.

8. Increase flow experiences.
Have you read Flow? It is an amazing book. My dance teacher asked me once to describe how it feels when I’m dancing and performing. I told him to read Flow. Dance performances, for me, are flow experiences. I need to learn how to make dancing anytime more like flow.

9. Savor life’s joys.
See optimism above.

10. Commit to your goals.
That would mean that I have defined (aka “smart”) goals. I should think about those. Figure out what they are…and how to get there.

11. Practice spirituality.
Well, I’ve been doing this lately since I joined a church. I really felt like a spiritual piece was missing in my life. So I’m happy to be in a church again.

12. Take care of your body.
OY. See also: do not emotionally eat a bunch of crap. I’ve been pretty good about the gym lately, so that’s good. I just need to watch the food thing.

Thanks, universe, for putting this in front of my face today. I needed it. No more cranky pants!

I’m a warrior

I did the Warrior Dash today with my friend RM. We’ve planning on this for a while – I think we signed up in May. I’ve been running a bit at the gym all summer, although I haven’t done as much training as I should. So I was a bit nervous going into this. 5K plus obstacles? I think I’m a strong person, so I figured I’d be OK. But would I really be OK?

We got there, got our gear, stood around for a bit and then started the race. I use the term race loosely – we were there just to do it and have fun. We weren’t worried about our times, and I thought I might need to walk some of it.

And actually the race went well. I have no idea what my time was – I’ll get the results in 2-3 days – but I thought we did well. I did have to walk at a few spots. I’m really bad at pacing myself while running outside, so I tend to go too fast. Plus we were talking the whole time, which makes it harder too. But a lot of people walked way more than I did, so I was fine with it. But I ran a majority of it which I wasn’t sure I’d be able to do.

The obstacles went fine too. I had to skip two of them – they both involved heights and I just couldn’t do them. But I also knew that was a possibility as well. But I was able to do all the other ones.

So now I’ve done my first 5K. With obstacles. And mud. While wearing fake nails. (I still have them from Dance-O-Rama.)

And now I’m going to get a manicure and go to the grocery store. And then take a nap.