Arrggggghhhh

25 Apr

I think I had an epiphany this week.

You know I’ve struggled with the idea of knowing and believing that I matter to other people and in this world. But I think I just connected that to the fact that I don’t think I matter to ME.

Weird right? Here I am with this baggage because I feel like I don’t matter to people and I believe that I should. But that belief that I don’t matter has left me believing that on a subconscious level. I don’t matter…even to me.

I think that’s why I struggle with anything that relates to taking care of myself. It’s why getting to the gym on any sort of regular basis is difficult. It’s why I have such a hard time controlling what I eat and eating healthy. It’s why I don’t wash my face at night (although I do brush my teeth every night). It’s why I don’t take time for me. Even though I really want to do all those things. I get in my own way because I think I don’t matter to myself.

And I’m sick of that. SICK OF IT. DONE.

I’m so tired of getting in my own way. I’m tired of being unable to do what I want to do, know I should do (I know, avoid the word should…whatever), and know I’ll feel better if I do. Like working out. And eating well. And taking 10 minutes to recharge myself.

I’m tired of the baseline anxiety I have. (Which, ps, has been soooo bad this week.) I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter, that it’s out of sight out of mind for people when it comes to me (meaning if I’m not around, they’re not thinking of me). I’m tired of all this crap getting in the way. I’m tired of my brain overthinking things and making things (like dance) less joyful for me. I’m tired of getting in my own way.

Despite how angry I am at it, I don’t know how to fix it.

Thank goodness I have a great therapist. And you can bet that I’ll be bringing this up when I see her next.

I want to believe that I’m important to others and that I make a difference in this world. Intellectually, I know that’s true; I just have a super hard time believing it. I want to put myself first sometimes and do the things I want to do to take care of myself. I want to know overthink things.

I’m sure it’s not going to be easy to get from here to there. Especially since I don’t have a clue how to start.

But right now, I’m so frustrated with myself, my brain, and my baggage. I could cry, I’m that frustrated. I probably should – I’d probably feel better. But I can’t.

But I’m absolutely fed up. UP TO HERE. And I want to be done with it. And be less anxious. And happier. And more at peace.

I hope I can get there eventually.

5 Responses to “Arrggggghhhh”

  1. cathtravelsandteaches April 26, 2012 at 2:45 am #

    I totally know this. I have the same problem – my therapist suggested CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy) techniques. It works – to a point. It’s just being stronger than that stupid voice in the back of your head that argues back everytime you say “I know I’ll feel better if I go to the gym”. My therapist suggested thinking of her as a friend I don’t like very much – how much weight does that carry then?
    I DON’T like my little voice much – But at the moment, she’s a lot stronger than me. But we can do this. We DO matter.
    (For the record, I look out for your posts in my email every morning. So, for what it’s worth, there’s a random in the UK that thinks you matter! :) )

  2. Booksphotographsandartwork April 27, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    My little voice batters me all the time. You have to knock it down and move forward. My daughter is amazing at being able to manage this. Not me. We just have to keep going. Oh and try humming. Really I’m serious. Try it.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Can you help me? « The Reinvented Lass - May 9, 2012

    […] to be. This goes back to the issue I’m working about how I matter. I think I don’t matter to myself so I don’t take good care of myself. That makes it hard to stick to an eating plan, a workout […]

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