Showcase without dancing

Sunday was Showcase.

As we all know, Showcase is my two favorite days of the year. I love that day. I absolutely love performing, and Showcase is when I let it all go and just enjoy it. At Showcase, I KNOW and BELIEVE that I’m an excellent dancer. The other 363 days of the year, I kinda know and believe.

But I broke my foot. So I couldn’t dance at Showcase. I thought long and hard about it. Should I still go and cheer on my friends? Or would it be just too difficult to go and not dance at all? I decided that it’d be worse to not go and be completely left out. So I went.

This Showcase, there were so many people participating that they had to start 2 hours earlier than normal. Which meant for a super long day. So I had to develop some strategies. What if I got tired? What if I got completely overwhelmed? Showcase is held at a hotel, so I decided that if I totally needed a break, I could go to the hotel bar and just chill, maybe watch the NHL hockey game. I brought my knitting in case I got tired just sitting there. I brought snacks. And I decided that I would be there for others and not for myself. I also deliberately had very long expectations of the staff. I knew that they would be very busy and focused on their students that were dancing, so I didn’t think any of them would realize how tough of a day that was for me.

When I got there, I let my friends know that if they needed help getting in and out of their dresses to just let me know. I would be everyone’s personal assistant. I told some of the staff that too. I videotaped some performances for a friend of mine. I got a Diet Coke for my friend MK when she needed it.

And I was so surprised by my friends. I guess I assumed they’d be like the staff and worried about themselves. But so many of them came up to me and checked in with me throughout the day. LS, SH, MK, CS, KB, CK…they all took time to make sure I was OK. They knew how hard it was for me.

And the staff….oh, our wonderful staff. Some of them checked in with me once or twice. My teacher, who I think usually has the most students participating, started the day by giving me a huge hug and letting me know that he was sad I wasn’t dancing. And he did little things to acknowledge me and the difficulty I was facing a few times throughout the day. Once again proving how awesome he is and how lucky I am to have him as my teacher.

So the day actually went quicker than I had thought, and I had a lot more fun than I was anticipating. I only had one breakdown where I started crying, and that was during the Bronze III and Bronze IV open freestyles. Luckily, my awesome friends were there for me during that. On the plus side too, it’s a hell of a lot easier to go to the bathroom in regular jeans than in a ballgown!

But then the dinner came. And the dinner is followed by social dancing. I was nervous for that…how would it be to sit there while my whole table was out on the floor? Plus, my teacher gives cards to every student of his who participated that day. The card is usually waiting at your spot at the dinner table. I didn’t participate, so how would it feel to not get a card?

Again, my teacher surprised me by having a card for me that had very nice things in it. I was touched by that. And MK, SP and CS were at my table, and none of them were out on the floor all at once. So I actually had probably the funnest Showcase dinner I’ve ever had.

And I danced! Shhhhhh, don’t tell my doctor. I just felt that I couldn’t go all the way through Showcase without one dance. So I told my teacher that if a slow rumba came on and he’d be OK dancing basics with me, I’d give it a whirl. So a bolero came on, to which you can do a very slow rumba. So we did! And it went OK. My teacher was laughing because I had really good Cuban motion on one side of my body. I think our studio owner got a picture of me dancing with my cast on, but I don’t have a copy yet. Oh well. It felt so good to be dancing, even if it was only one slow rumba. And I kinda proved to myself that I haven’t forgotten and won’t forget everything about dancing. I’ll just need to get strength back in my ankle.

So overall, it was a great day. I’m still sad I didn’t get to dance, but I know I’ll be back for November’s Showcase. And I’m determined to rock that day.

Here are some pictures of my some of my awesome friends in their sparkly dresses…

KB, SH, LS, JT…a bit blurry

SH, LS, and KB

MS and CS

These are just a few of the amazing friends I have that helped me get through that day. They are the best. And they made Showcase a heck of a lot better than it easily could have been.

Healing is depressing

So we all know I broke my foot. And as far as breaks go, it’s not a bad break to have. It’ll heal in about six weeks total, it should heal without complications, I have a walking air cast and not a hard plaster cast, I can still walk, I can drive. All in all, it’s not too bad.

However.

The activity restriction is killing me. No working out except upper body strength training. No running or cardio of any sort. No dancing. I didn’t realize how active of a person I had become. I like to move.

But more than that…it helps my mental health, I now realize. Without the cardio, I don’t sleep as well, I’m more cranky, I’m more depressed.

And what will my foot and ankle be like when the cast comes off? How much will they have atrophied, and how long will it take to get back to 100%?

Friday night, I was watching an episode of Call the Midwife. (Which is a great show, by the way.) And sometimes, my eyes tear up when watching. But Friday, I just started crying…almost sobbing. At which point I realized that this was not all about the show. So I talked to my therapist about it.

Turns out, I’m depressed. And frustrated. And angry. Everything is harder with my foot. Grocery shopping takes longer and more effort. Walking is harder and more fatiguing because I’m using muscles differently. Healing takes a lot of energy, so I’m more tired. I don’t have the energy in the evenings.

And then I get worried…am I reverting to being a fat sloth again? Am I healing or am I simply going back to old ways of sitting on my ass and not doing anything?

My therapist tried to get me to give myself permission to rest. And also to try talking to myself that this behavior is just for the six weeks of healing. Once the cast is gone and I start to get use of my foot back, the behaviors will start to fade too. And I’ll get back to being the active person I once was.

But the other thing is I feel lonely. One, because I don’t have energy so I’m not going out much. But two, I’m not dancing. And being at the studio as much as I normally am makes for a big part of my social life. And I feel left out. I’ve stopped in a few times and will continue to do so. But it’s not the same. I went to the party last Thursday night. And it was great to see people and talk to people and people seemed glad to see me. But it was also really really hard to be there and not dance. And I know that it’s better for me not to dance at all to make for a faster recovery. It’s so hard though. And then when the party’s done, I go home and know I won’t be able to participate for a while.

Plus Showcase is Sunday. And you all know that Showcase for me is like Christmas. I’ve thought long and hard about whether I should still go and support everyone else. It will be so hard. But I think I’d feel worse if I skipped it entirely. So I’ll go. I’ll go knowing that it’ll be a really hard day. But I’ll try to focus on my friends and supporting them.

This is all so hard. I’m trying to tell myself that it’s all short-term and that in another month I’ll have my cast off. I’m trying to tell myself that thank God it’s temporary and not for life. I’m trying to tell myself that others have it far worse than I do. I’m trying to tell myself that once I get back to healthy, I’ll be the same active person I was before this happened. I’m trying to tell myself that I’ll dance again (and soon), and when I do, I’ll be at the level I was at. I’m trying to tell myself this will pass and will pass soon.

But right now, it just sucks.

Weekly roundup

Last week, I…

*did nothing. Oh wait, I broke my foot. And spend the rest of the week on the couch with my foot elevated to bring the swelling down.

And that was about it.

 

Adventures in dogsitting

So a month ago, I dogsat for my friend WH. Now, normally dogsitting is not that big of a deal right? The difference here is that she has two dogs who HATE each other. They cannot be in the same room with each other at all, or a big fight will start. So there’s a whole system of babygates and closed doors to keep them apart. But if they got together without anyone there to break it up, they would probably kill each other.

No pressure right?

Needless to say, I was a bit nervous about this. Every time I left that weekend, I was worried I had missed a door or a gate, and I’d come home to find a dead dog. Luckily, that didn’t happen.

Individually, they are both sweet dogs. One of them is silly and goofy (despite being almost 13)…

and the other is super cuddly…

Besides hanging out with the dogs, it was so nice to have a place to myself for so long. Plus, she has cable! So I got to watch a lot of bad TV – all in the name of hanging out with the dogs, right?

Apparently my friend thought it went well on her end too, because she asked me to do it again for a weekend in June. Of course, I said yes. I can’t wait. Plus, I don’t think I’ll have the anxiety every time I leave this time. So it should be good. Especially if my foot is better by then.

Medical ups and downs

Anyone else seen the musical “Mame” or the play “Auntie Mame”? Remember Patrick’s girlfriend’s parents’ home was called Upson Downs? No? Just me? OK then…

The good news…I don’t have breast cancer. Got your attention, didn’t I? The radiologist found a spot on my mammogram (yes, I’m over 40) a few weeks ago, and they weren’t sure what it was. Tumor? Cancer? Just really dense tissue? So I had to go back for a second mammogram and an ultrasound. That was yesterday. And it turned out to be just a small cyst that doesn’t need to be removed and I don’t need to do anything about it or worry about it in any way. Yay!

That has been on my mind for the last week and a half. I knew that chances were it was nothing. There’s no breast cancer in my family, the mammogram the year before was fine. But still…your mind goes to worse case scenario AND STAYS THERE. So I was trying not to freak out and over-worry.

Then the weekend happened.

And we had a beautiful weekend here in Minnesota after a lonnnggg winter. Highs in the 70s, lots of sunshine. I ran on Saturday, went for a 5-mile walk with some friends Saturday night, biked at the gym on Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon, I decided to haul my bike out of the basement and lock it up outside like I do for the summer. Just to be prepared for the next awesome weather day. So I did. And I turned my ankle on the stairs.

And broke my foot.

Did you catch that? I BROKE MY FOOT.

I went to urgent care and saw the doctor. Yep, it’s broken. He’s not an orthopedic doctor, but his best guess was 4 weeks before I’m mostly healed and an additional two weeks before I’m running and dancing again.

Again, did you catch that? No dancing for 4-6 weeks. And Showcase is 2 weeks from Sunday.

I’ll see the orthopedic doctor on Monday, and after that I should have a better idea of my recovery time. I’m guessing the urgent care doctor was being optimistic.

(For you doctors out there…it’s a proximal closed fracture of the fifth metatarsal bone. Whatever that means. Wait, is “proximal” describing the fracture or the bone? I dunno.)

The urgent care doctor put me in an orthopedic shoe and told me to ice it and rest it and elevate it. So at work, I have a chair next to me so I can keep it elevated. Stupid swelling. Yesterday, when I took my sock off at night, parts of my foot were a lovely shade of purple. I’ve never broken a bone before, so I had to ask the Google if that was normal. (Turns out, it is.) I also had to ask my brother if it was normal to be so EXHAUSTED from this. He said it was, that my body had gone through a trauma and was trying to heal itself.

My roommate has been awesome. She has the perfect mix of teasing me and helping me, which is exactly what I’d do to her. She warned the dogs that they better not step on my foot. She made me ice/heat packs that I can reuse. Tonight she made kettlecorn. So I’m incredibly thankful for that support.

I know that not having cancer should be giving me perspective. And maybe it will someday. But right now, all I can think about is no dancing and no working out.

And I get scared.

How fat will I get during that time? I’ll keep eating well, but without the cardio, will I gain weight? Will I lose all the momentum I had in working out?

How much will my dancing regress during that time? When I come back, will it just take me a few lessons to get back into it? Or will it be like almost starting over in Bronze III?

Will the people at the studio miss me? Will anyone notice I’m not there? Or when I come back, will they be like “oh you were gone?”

And I keep wondering why this had to happen. I’m a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but we may not know the reason until much later, if at all. So I’ve been trying to think about what purpose could this serve? Here’s what I have so far:

*It’ll prove to me how much dance means to me, but also that I can live without it.

*It’ll maybe prove to me that people really do miss me when I’m not around.

*Since I’ve already paid for Showcase, that money will just go towards the November Showcase. So I’ll be a little ahead on Showcases.

*If I make my May payment to the studio, I’ll get a bit ahead in terms of lessons on the books. Which will be nice.

*It’ll force me to slow down. If I’m not going to the studio every night, I’ll have some time to relax in the evenings. I can read, write, go for walks (eventually), or just hang out with friends.

But in the meantime, I won’t be dancing.

Other people’s dance

Remember my friend Stef? Like me, she’s trying to lose weight. She has a lot more than me to lose. Which helps me get perspective. I mean, I think I have a difficult thing in trying to lose 10 pounds? Sheesh. I admire her dedication to losing the weight she wants to lose. She inspires me.

Anyway, did you see her cha cha routine? Check it out:

Awesome, right? Amazing. She’s SUCH a good dancer.

I started watching this and was so proud of her. If you read her blog, you know the struggles she’s had with this cha cha routine, as we all have struggles with different parts of dance. And she did such a great job with it – regardless of her size! I really like how into the character she got.

Then I started thinking. And we all know how problematic that is. But I started thinking about what things she can do better than me and how much better than me she can move. And to be honest, how much better than me she can move especially considering her size. Petty, right? And then I started to feel bad for myself and started thinking how bad of a dancer I must be. And I felt bad for having such thoughts about her.

All that in about 30 seconds. SIGH.

So what did I do about it? What I usually do is think more about it. Over and over and over.

What did I do this time? Used self-talk to STOP THE THINKY PLACE.

Yes, she knows more moves than me and more technique. But she’s a more advanced dancer than me. And she’s certainly more expressive than I am in dance, but that’s something that I can learn from and grow towards. And there are things that I can do better than her.

But I also told myself that it’s not a competition. It’s a journey. She’s on her journey, and I’m on mine. For me, it’s about becoming a great amateur dancer, which I’m on the road to doing. And I’m happy with how I dance for the level I’m at. And I know I’ll get better.

And in the meantime, I can appreciate Stef, her journey, her ability, and her dancing. I can appreciate that we share a passion and that we both think dance is so important to our lives.

And I can cheer her on to be the best. Go Stef – you rock!

Weekly roundup

Last week, I…

*Had dance lessons with a different teacher while mine was on vacation. It’s always interesting to work with another teacher. But it makes me appreciate how well my regular teacher and me work together. Not that the exchange lessons weren’t great – they were, just not as great as my regular lessons.

*Started dog-sitting for a friend of mine. My two companions:

     

More on our adventures soon.

*Practiced at the studio again with my friend SH. I really enjoy that. It’s like having a workout buddy. But for dancing. But it’s not a dance partner. You know what I mean.

*Wondered what I should be writing about on my blog.

*Watched “The Count of Monte Cristo” with my book club. We had just read it for book club, so we watched the movie as a group. That was fun! We’re reading “The Great Gatsby” for this month, so maybe we’ll watch that when the new movie version comes out in May.

*Went for frozen yogurt with SP because it’s spring. Kinda. Because this is totally a spring forecast:

I don’t know why it says Mendota Heights when I’m in St Paul.

No? Oh well. It is what it is. I want it to get warmer just so people stop complaining ALL THE TIME about the weather.

*Worked out A LOT. Which felt great. And tiring.

All in all, a pretty awesome week!

Focus on me

Before the holidays, I stopped focusing on food and exercise. OK let’s be honest – it was probably way before the holidays. But right before the holidays, I made a deliberate choice to not put a high priority on those areas. I still tried to follow my meal plan and to workout, but I was putting too much pressure on myself trying to meet my obligations in these areas. I became too concerned about what I “should” be doing, and that caused a lot of guilt. (Hello, Catholic upbringing!)

And I’ve done OK with working out. I’ve run a few 5Ks and have made it to the gym 1-2 times per week.

I didn’t win. I’m just happy I finished them!

But I was noticing that my weight was creeping up. Not much, just 5 pounds. But since I was 5 pounds from my goal, I’m now 10 pounds from my goal. And I wasn’t worried because those 5 pounds were added over like 4 months.

I figured I needed to address those last 10 pounds, partially because if I just focused for a short period of time, I could really make a difference. I have one friend who’s lost about 40 pounds in just under a year through diet and exercise. I have another friend who is trying to lose a lot – maybe a 100? – pounds. If they can do it, what excuse do I have?

Plus, I have the motivation of wanting to be in the best shape possible as a dancer. I want to look good on the dance floor. I’ll never look THIN – I’m too curvy for that. But I want to look GOOD while I’m dancing. And being in great shape will help my dancing. That was my motivation for running and losing weight in the first place – dance.

I had worked with Kelly, an awesome nutritionist before. I love her approach – it’s not just about the number on the scale. For her, it’s what your body fat percentage is. For me, it’s that and how my clothes fit.

So I had a few sessions with Kelly on the books still. So I felt like it was time to focus on this again, so I met with her last Monday.

While I have gained weight, the good news is some of it was muscle mass. My body fat percentage went up only about 1%. Yes! Kelly said if I focus on the food (sticking to the plan) and increase my working out, I could meet my goal in about 6 weeks. Which is right about when Showcase is. So that’s perfect.

I had already made my food for the week, so I knew my food was going to be a bit off that first week. But I could do the working out. The goal is 30 minutes of cardio five times a week. OY. For strength training, I’m aiming for 4 times a week. ZOIKES. And none of that counts dance or yoga. With my schedule, that fifth day of cardio will be tough to fit in. Unless I split it in two and did a short run two mornings a week before work. Hmm.

So last week, here is what I did:

Monday: 20 minutes yoga before work, 30 minute run after work
Tuesday: 20 minutes yoga before work, 45 minute dance practice party
Wednesday: 20 minutes yoga before work, 45 minutes of dance practice, 45 minute dance lesson
Thursday: 20 minutes yoga before work, 30 minute run after work, 20 minute strength training, 45 minute dance group class, 45 minute dance practice party
Friday: 20 minutes yoga before work
Saturday: 30 minute run, 20 minute strength training, 45 minute dance group class
Today: 35 minute bike

I DID IT. And I feel GOOD. I think I’m getting to the point that my body really wants to be moving this much. I’m going to try to keep this pace up.

I need your help though: Keep me accountable on food (no treats!) and exercise. I’ll lay it out for you…right now I’m 139 pounds with a body fat percentage of 25.15%. I want those numbers – in particular the body fat percentage – DOWN even though it’s in the healthy range. My BMI is pretty normal too.

Showcase is May 19. Let’s see how far I can get by then.

No kids, no topics

My blog is small. Which is totally fine. I’m not in this to make money or have thousands of readers. (Good thing – I’d be sorely disappointed!) I write mainly as a form of therapy and to entertain the 3 of you who actually read this. Oh, and thanks to the 3 of you!

Part of the reason I haven’t been writing more is a lack of topics. There hasn’t been drama in my life to rant about. Which is good, I guess. But I also feel like I don’t have a topic I can go back to all the time.

I don’t have kids. And I don’t develop food recipes. And those two things seem to be easy topics to go back to for inspiration.

Kids always have great stories. I got a good post out of my friend’s kids when I babysat. And if I had kids, they’d be an easy source for post ideas.

I cook and bake but always using someone else’s recipes. So if I write about them, it’d be nothing new really.

If I write about dancing, I want to be respectful of my teacher’s privacy. And I wonder…do you really want to hear all the details about my lessons and the technique and where I struggle? I think it’d be boring for you.

As I write this though, I realize…it really shouldn’t matter what you want to hear, right? I should write about what I want to write about, regardless if it’s interesting to you. (Watch for some posts on Cuban motion then.) So I’ll start writing again, and you can read what you want. (Let me know if there is something you’d like to hear me talk about.)

In the meantime, here is one thing I’m good at posting….T-Rex!

Yep, still makes me laugh out loud.

Shiny objects…and more!

Who loves shiny objects? This girl, especially when it comes to dancing.

Maybe makeup is more your thing? I get that. I wish I was better at it, so I’m envious that you can work with it.

Are you a fashionista? Always looking for the new look?

Well, I have something for ALL OF YOU. I’m hosting an online mark. beauty party. You should check it out…makeup, skincare, fragrance, bath & body, haircare, fashion, accessories…they have it all!

I usually don’t host these type of parties, but I really do love this stuff. I hope you check it out! Orders will be taken through Monday only! So you better hurry up. Because seriously, you don’t want to miss this!